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A few weeks ago, I published this piece that I wrote the day I decided to leave California.
A few days later I wrote this in my notebook:
I still don’t quite understand it, but two-and-half-years later I now have some insight. And my perspective on the ‘You’ God I addressed above, is ever expanding.
Shortly after I left Los Angeles I moved to Colorado to live with my Aunt and Uncle while figuring out what the heck to do with my life. My Hollywood dreams of writing and directing were dead.
I had been reading a book about Saint Francis entitled, Chasing Francis. After being part of a very shallow and flashy American Church culture for so long, reading a non-fiction tale about a Saint and how modern people extracted wisdom from him was refreshing.
An old friend of mine once backpacked through Europe after an intersection in her life, and during my own adjustment period, I thought: “What’s stopping me?” à la Eat Pray Love.
But unlike Eat Pray Love, I would have to figure out how I’d be able to actually eat.
When I shared my plans with my brother to travel through Europe, he answered with a laugh, “But what are you going to eat?”
What a great question.
Being in recovery from anorexia meant, yes I could eat but I was still very particular. Still fragile.
I wanted to live fully but with living comes eating without planning. Eating with strangers and friends, not knowing what was on or off the menu. Not knowing what time of day or the caloric assignment of my plate.
The idea of eating spontaneously terrified me.
But knowing I wasn’t living the life I desired, trying a new way of life was the only option.
How do you know when a lifestyle, a relationship, a job, or a place is past its expiration date?
How do you know when to leave?
The answer is: You don’t.
You just jump.
I decided to ask a friend who I met on the internet to travel with me. I knew deep down it was going to be hard to hold myself accountable; to take care of myself in foreign countries with no nutritionist or therapist. And he knew he needed the motivation to leave his liminal state of life in Colorado.
We went into the trip as a PG-rated Bonnie and Clyde and ended up being more like emotional pacifiers. If he reads this, he will agree. We were what we needed at that time and I’m very grateful for the things we learned from each other (and things we fought about.) He taught me a lot about trusting the timing of my life and I think I taught him a thing or two about patience.
We booked our flights in April and left in May.
Four countries that summer.
Two scared souls.
One trip that changed my life forever.
P.S. Because I think God is a comedian… I got to listen to
(writer extraordinaire of the Eat, Pray, Love phenomenon and one of personal heroes) speak in Denver two days before I left. I’ll never forget it. I think those are butterfly wings behind her.Thanks for reading. This newsletter is a thoughtfully written, algorithm-free, completely reader-supported publication. The best way to support my work is to share this post with someone you love and become a paid subscriber:
xx
Jen
I feel like there should be a 4th option in your poll. All of the above, because all of them are valid reasons to pivot or move on. Love this piece.
As always, your writing hits home for me. I'm working on weasling my way out of a season of tracking my intake (not a full relapse, thank God I'm 8 years recovered, but definitely used tracking to cope with the stress in my life) and feeling like it's time to move on from the situation I'm in now (master's out of my PhD program).