Women lie.
This has become increasingly clearer the older I’ve gotten. Because I find myself doing it too.
I have been on the search for a new concealer for the past two months. I realized this is because I need concealer now. This truth has never landed on me before. I’ve really only had curiosity and minimal play with makeup over the years. This wasn’t until I started noticing the deep blue color forming under my eyes where bright cream used to sit. Like most people, my first solution was to find the right bandaid: a color-correcting concealer. Then I realized this wasn’t a solution, this was a bandaid. And bandaids get bled through if you don’t heal the wound.
Plus,societal-beauty-conforming bandaids tend to get expensive.
In my neighbourhood in Paris there’s a huge poster of Kendall Jenner.
This L’Oreal advertisement is for mascara but I couldn’t help but think this woman had no pores. No blue under her eyes. Of course my conscious mind knew this was a fashion model with more time and money than most of the free world would ever have access to. I also would like to add as a media professional I edit and retouch photos consistently for clients, so I knew this billboard wasn’t authentic to what she actually looks like in real life.
Yet.
Every time I pass it I don’t think “wow, I wish I looked like her”.
I think: wow. I wish I was as rested as her.
I wish I was the reflection of the lie this photo is telling me.
When the truth is, every person a part of this marketing campaign is lying. The person who took this photograph, lit this photograph, retouched this photograph is not telling the truth. Even if you buy this mascara, or any other produce L’Oreal sells, your mirror won’t reflect this. It isn’t a matter of looking like Kendall Jenner. It’s a matter of comparing your life to theirs. Like a lot of us do on the internet. No one, not even mascara models, have perfect skin or lives or sleeping routines.
It’s not possible.
Especially with their lifestyle, I would assume. I’ve lived in cities of the rich and the famous, and let me tell you: no one is completely rested, happy or healthy. No matter how much you sleep you get, supplements you take and meditation you do, if your heart isn’t in the right place, you aren’t going to be vibrant and alive; a look reflected in this billboard. If you buy the mascara, or their lipstick or concealer… you still won’t be.
I felt curious to discover what was behind this tug inside of me to want to look rested.
Why didn’t I want to be rested?
I began to ask myself more questions as I walked. I haven’t been sleeping much. Obviously. But, why? I consider myself a pretty informed and disciplined person when it comes to wellness routines. Why wasn’t I sleeping with my nightly dose of magnesium, hugging my dogs, praying and laying in my safe and warm bed?
The answer became loud and clear to me as I began writing this.
There’s no insomnia like unmet potential. I have been aching to find and be compensated for meaningful work. To form and water meaningful friendships. To feel and be a part of an intentional and deep relationship. With myself. With my creativity. But what was I doing about it? Internalizing it. And turning blue.
So,
The concealer I found after hours of reading and scrolling actually isn’t magic. It is NARS. Neither was the self-reflection questionnaire I asked myself. And actually it doesn’t make me look or feel like the huge Kendall Jenner advertisement. In fact, no amount of surgery or makeup I could buy could have that power. My job in this life isn’t to look like advertisements. My job is to look like me. And the best, most rested and whole version of me doesn’t have blue under her eyes because she’s sleeping soundly at night and acting upon her creativity. She isn’t letting imposter syndrome take over her thoughts . She does things scared. She does things brave. I haven’t met this version of me yet, but I am working on it. Which is really a goal in itself: to be a work-in-progress. To be self-reflective. To dig and unearth what you’re thinking in order to do some doing. I did learn something in my search for a new concealer though. Apparently when it comes to makeup, it isn’t so much about the brand or consistency of the concealer itself (though those things matter too). It’s about the technique. How you apply it. How much pressure, movement and time you use with a specific type of tool for your specific skin. Maybe that’s all any of us need to feel and look like the truest version of our beautiful selves. The smallest amount of product can make the biggest difference when you apply it correctly. The smallest amount of creative output. Dancing. Having hard conversations. Eating slowly. Touching nature. The tools you use and the time you take to use them is what’s going to make the biggest difference, not only in how look, but in how you feel.
I think I decided I like the bags under my eyes.
They prove I have a soul.
They prove I’m not a sociopath unaffected by life and confusion and seasons. My humanness is something I’m proud of. My humanness is something I’ll keep fighting for.
I hope you do too.
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